"Gloria" by Laura Branigan

written and interpreted by Kris Caballero (February 10, 2017)

Album Artist Song Album Track Number Year
Branigan Laura Branigan "Gloria" #2 1982
Oh yes, the era of female bands and badass chicks, and Laura Branigan is no exception. No worries, I've got 'Self Control' but being that Valentine's Day is coming up, this hit song of hers, 'Gloria,' requires interpreting. Let me tell you: it closely relates to a girl I thought I was in love with.
"Gloria, you're always on the run now
Running after somebody, you gotta get him somehow
I think you've got to slow down before you start to blow it
I think you're headed for a breakdown, so be careful not to show it"
Branigan talks about this girl named Gloria, saying she's "a girl that's running too fast for her own steps." This means, Gloria is urgent in finding someone not mindful of the consequences but still has to be warned that in case it doesn't work out with the man she's chasing, she must remain at ease. That's hard to do since the man she's looking to get, assuming he can read her signals, knows this Gloria girl is in a rush to get someone—to patch up her single status. Okay, Gloria....
"You really don't remember, was it something that he said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?
Gloria, don't you think you're fallin'?
If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody callin'?
You don't have to answer
Leave them hangin' on the line, oh-oh-oh, calling Gloria
Gloria, I think they got your number
I think they got the alias that you've been living under
But you really don't remember, was it something that they said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?"
Whoa! Wait a minute, Gloria doesn't remember yet has to reflect back why no man calls her, even if she's hot stuff? Tch....some bachelorette. Honestly, if Gloria thinks she requires little effort to get attention from men, then why aren't men approaching and calling her? Nevermind her subtle insecurities, but Gloria seems to come off a little self-centered, don't you think? "Oh, not to worry, I'm hot, I can find a boyfriend/husband no problem," yet she can't. The clock is ticking, Gloria.
"Gloria, how's it gonna go down?
Will you meet him on the main line, or will you catch him on the rebound?
Will you marry for the money, take a lover in the afternoon?
Feel your innocence slipping away, don't believe it's comin' back soon"
If we go to the third line of that verse, asking Gloria marrying for the money or taking someone in the afternoon, tells me she's getting to the age where the idea of taking a "sugar daddy" seems like a possible option. Gloria thinks she's all that huh? Branigan sung this song like she's about to break off her friendship with "Gloria" not being an influential partner in crime. (If any of you have/know someone like Gloria, take caution.)

That last line, "Feel your innocence slipping away, don't believe it's comin' back soon," is the hardest-hitting truth slammed in Gloria's face. Because Gloria's ego is eating her up, she's also struggling in keeping the man deciding to court her. The time he leaves her, Gloria absolving herself from her own failures dating-wise, continues her "I'm a hottie, so go ahead ask me out already because I know you want me" antics, making her look desperate and pushing herself to the next man she meets, regardless of patiently waiting for her "perfect" man. Gentlemen, would you go out with a girl like Gloria? In the words of Simon Cowell, "it's a 'no' for me."

From a male perspective, Gloria's mindset is still stuck in high school. She relished the popularity she gained and the attention she garnered, being the hottie every guy wanted to have a chance at while winning Prom Queen in her class. She would scoff off the drama inflicted against her, knowing she can defend herself with her looks since she's the prettiest one on campus. You and I know, or knew, a girl like this growing up—oh trust me, you certainly do. What's she doing now? Does she have a job? Is she a single mother, living under pressure and stress everyday due to finances trying to raise her kid(s)? Has she not matured from her self-absorbed image knowing that she walks like the world revolves around her, yet never stopped to think why no man even wants to be with her?

I personally know someone like this, and her name is Ashley whom I met back in 2009. Because of her luck with men is rather drastic, only wanting a specific type, she wants to be the one in control. If a man doesn't like/love her a certain way, she manipulates them and shames them. She then jumps on to the next guy, bragging why he knows the way to a woman's heart and knows how to proudly represent her. When Ashley broke up with her boyfriend, she carries on thinking she has no problem being approached, acting all that. Later, Ashley agreed to be in a relationship with an old friend she knew back in elementary school with little effort, in a small amount of time. Upon their first week in a relationship, Ashley bragged about how she's so valuable she begins talking marriage and why she was shopping for wedding dresses. Next thing, she quit her job, and forced her boyfriend to do the same, so they both can fly abroad to work as expats—English teachers—in a foreign country. When they came back here in the US, Ashley landed a new job while her boyfriend continues to struggle finding work. The one time they argued, Ashley hooks arms with a random guy adding salt to the wound whenever her boyfriend doesn't comply with her needs and wishes. Worse, she got her boyfriend to take a picture of them both, while choosing that very picture as her profile picture on Facebook. Poor guy, huh? Granted, Ashley doesn't completely portray the same way as Gloria, but it's pretty close.

Whew! I believe I was fortunate enough not to have ended up with her! Gentlemen, I'm sure you've had a share of awful women, like I had with Ashley, succinctly related to the Gloria girl Branigan sung about. Share us your story in the comments below!

(This lyrical interpretation was written in tribute and honor to Laura Branigan herself. May you rest in peace, Laura, and without knowing it, this hit song of yours helped me greatly in solving the saga I had with Ashley—the girl who broke my heart and shamed me for having a broken heart. That's like mocking someone for crying because their loved one passed away: it's heartless and cold. Anyway, thank you so much Branigan, you will never be forgotten.)